For the last seven weeks I have been in this parenting class. For my final project I am writing up three separate posts on the readings, assignments and videos I found to be the most beneficial to me as a parent. This post is parenting takeaway #1.
Dr. Ginott pretty much sums up the many ways I am parenting in the WRONG way. I tend to give threats I never plan to follow through with such as, "If you do that one more time you are grounded for a month." Let's face it. That would discipline me more than it would my child. I bribe and make promises to my children daily, in an effort to get their jobs done around the house without them arguing. When they do argue, I am often guilty of verbal overkill, which also makes me guilty of rude teaching of politeness. It is difficult for a child to understand the concept of being soft-spoken and kind when you their parent is continually bellowing.
Dr. Ginott pretty much sums up the many ways I am parenting in the WRONG way. I tend to give threats I never plan to follow through with such as, "If you do that one more time you are grounded for a month." Let's face it. That would discipline me more than it would my child. I bribe and make promises to my children daily, in an effort to get their jobs done around the house without them arguing. When they do argue, I am often guilty of verbal overkill, which also makes me guilty of rude teaching of politeness. It is difficult for a child to understand the concept of being soft-spoken and kind when you their parent is continually bellowing.
The ironic thing is the chapter for this unit is titled "There is not a right way to do a wrong thing."
The following are seven patterns that Dr. Ginott focuses on:
- Threats
- Bribes
- Promises
- Sarcasm
- Verbal overkill
- Sermon on lying and stealing
- Rude teaching of politeness
Dr. Ginott, suggested "bribes seldom, if ever, inspire continued efforts." I can testify this is true. I find that I use bribes WAY too often in an effort to "buy temporary compliance" because bribes will often work instantaneously. When I don't use a bribe, I am faced with a temper tantrum. Then I am responsible to find a logical consequence I can stick to. This requires time and discipline on my part. It makes me tired thinking about the amount of effort all of that would require. A bribe is most often a simpler "in the moment" solution.
In his article "What's the Problem With Bribes," Dr. Steven Dennis stated "temporary compliance is not victory." This really connected with me. Dr. Dennis gives five suggestions for ways parents can move towards influencing their children to do good out of influence, not manipulated obedience.
One of these suggestions is "Timing is everything."
I have found that the positive outcomes for a parent and a child when implementing this suggestion is that it limits expectation. When a reward is offered each time a child has a concert, or finishes something, the joy for achievement withdraws. A child focuses only on what they will get from an experience, not the actual experience itself. When we suggest the views from the top are the real reward from a long hike, it becomes a positive experience for the child and the parent. The child is not constantly driving the parent crazy asking for a reward once they conquer the hike. They feel accomplished inside because they made it. Dr. Dennis gives this recommendation when it comes to rewards and timing, "Rewards promised before the action can feel manipulative. Do this and I'll give you an Ice cream. Un-promised rewards given in surprise after the action feels appreciative. For example,"Wow! We worked hard together-let's go for an ice cream!"
The number five suggestion is "The best rewards aren't physical/material." I can buy my child gifts all day. They will enjoy them, and then ask for more. If I do not spend time listening to them and showing interest in them, they will still act out in numerous ways. When my children were toddlers, I knew when I had let myself get too busy, and consequently overlooked my children during the day. They began waking up all night. As soon as I gave them the attention they needed, they began sleeping through the night again.
Many positive outcomes are to be had with older children when the reward is spending time with them. Youth love knowing parents are interested in them, activities together builds a strong relationship. The more positive time a parent spends with their children the more willing a child is to talk to them about the hard topics. The other positive I have noticed is that when I neglect to notice my children for a few days it shows up in their behavior. I will try and buy something to make up for it. I feel it makes the behavior worse. Kids feel we see them when we spend time with them, and listen to them. Children’s behaviors are transformed in positive ways as we spend time with them.
I believe one of the goals of parenting is to raise children who are competent, confident adults. We want to raise our children in a way that when they are adults, they know the right choice to make. We want our children to be willing to listen to the advice of us and others, yet confident enough to trust their own instincts and follow them. Our goal as parents is to follow the popular song, "lead them, guide them, walk beside them, help them find the way." When they are old enough, we show our love for them by getting out of their way.
This leads me to one of my favorite theories from this terms parenting class and my Key takeaway involving--growth mindset verses fixed mindset. As we study these theories we begin to see how a parent plays a vast role in developing their child's mindset based upon the way we implement the seven patterns Dr. Ginott focuses on.
Carol Dwek teaches us that mindsets shape achievements. The way we praise our children when they are young has an effect on whether our child's mindset leans more towards fixed or growth. As we challenge our children to do hard things, their innate human abilities can actually develop a growth mindset.
I love the idea of raising our kids for "YET."
Angela Duckworth incorporates this growth mindset to being a grittier child. She teaches us that children with grit know the difference between saying, "I can't do this," verses "I can't do this, YET." A key takeaway for me from this section was "Grittier kids do more hours of deliberate practice. There is no relationship between your talents and whether you actually show up." She discussed that it is the practice you do, that you don't want to do, that makes all the difference.
GRIT:THE PASSION AND PERSEVERANCE
As much as I admire what these two women have to teach, and I do love the ideas they are suggesting, my favorite quote from class this week came from the discussion board.
I stated the following idea from Angela Duckworth, "I think that’s why our (child) needs to know that no one test can measure their potential to succeed in the future, because their potential in the future is about this passion and commitment."
One of my classmates responded with this insightful thought,
"Something I have thought about with this lesson, is that as a parent, it is so hard to watch our children struggle. I would imagine that it is also hard for our Heavenly Father to watch us struggle. Thankfully, we don't have to accomplish all of our challenges on grit alone. We have access to heavenly help. Elder Bednar taught: “I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities" (Bednar, 2014). Sure, this may not mean solving our problems for us, but it does mean that we can have strength to continue, despite the difficulty of the challenge. -Shalise
This is so true as we seek for meaningful and instructive ways to uplift and motivate our children. As parents we are not always going to get it right and our children are going to make mistakes. Thankfully we both have heaven on our side!
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