For the last seven weeks I have been in this parenting class. For my final project I am writing up three separate posts on the readings, assignments and videos I found to be the most beneficial to me as a parent. This post is parenting takeaway #2.
In week three, we were assigned to study and do a write up about D&C 121:41-45. I studied this section with the footnotes, wrote my article, and then asked my husband what he thought? He kindly responded, "You have missed a key element of this scripture, you have nothing in here about correction." I explained that the scripture is actually not about correction but about teaching children from an early age. He went on to explain to me the part I was overlooking, and WHY correction is an essential part of this scripture.
I love that in this scripture, we are taught that the technique we implement when correcting a child is equally important as the correction itself.
During this same week we studied chapter 10 from this book By, Dr. Haim G. Ginott
In this chapter, Dr. Ginott focuses on these seven principles of empathetic communication:
- The beginning of wisdom is listening.
- Do not deny your child's perceptions.
- Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution.
- When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun "I."
- Praising.
- Learn to say "no."
- Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives. (W03 Study: Ginott)
As we studied these seven principles and D&C 121, I found myself having an "aha moment." I believe these two teachings are congruent when it comes to parenting. It is essential to teach my children the principles I want them to live by from day one. "Reproving betimes" means to plainly teach my children in a loving manner, from the moment they are born. When they need to be corrected, I act with wisdom, kindness, and understanding. This can often be difficult to do in the heat of the moment. I frequently find myself acting in complete opposition from these seven stated behaviors.
Dr. Ginott states, "The beginning of wisdom is listening." I am curious how many angry moments could be avoided if we simply stopped and took the time to listen before the problem occurred.
In week 4 we read this quote.
"Surveyed youth express that the number one action they wished their parents would do is spend more time talking to them."
I found myself pondering on this thought over the following days. I became determined to be more intentional about listening and validating my children.
Here is one of my findings.
-Ashlynn continually complained that her legs felt like bricks and she could not move them even one more step. She hated this hike and wanted to go home. JD and I continued hiking without conversation. We responded from a distance numerous times, "you are fine, your legs can't hurt that bad, this isn't even hard." These comments caused her to behave even more upset, which in turn caused her parents to start to become more upset.
A few weeks later, Ashlynn had a completely different attitude about hiking. What made the difference? I believe it had a great deal to do with remembering what I had learned in class and applying it. I started to validate the way she was feeling, while I continued to hike. I asked her questions, and made hiking an activity that was about bonding, not about hiking. It made all the difference.
When children do not obey and act out of control, the easy way is to punish. Choosing to listen, validate, and respect requires us to be intentional about our parenting.
Dr. Steinberg focuses on four areas of avoiding harsh discipline:
- Never use physical punishment.
- Don't be verbally abusive.
- Controlling your anger.
- The right way to punish.
#1-Dr. Steinberg makes this statement in regards to physical punishment. "When I say never, I mean never. no matter how angry you are. Physical punishment is bad for children." In D&C 121 verse 43 . we come across the word sharpness. This word is often looked at as a word to mean strict, but it is synonymous with perceptiveness, alertness, keenness, intelligence; attributes that we would use if the Holy Ghost was guiding our actions and behaviors. As we raise a child from birth, with a well-defined understanding of what is expected of them and using the Spirit to guide us, they come to understand what is expected of them.
#2-Parents are caught in a whirlwind of emotion everyday. Without notice we can become caught of guard by needy children. In these moments we may have a tendency to say things to our children that are unkind. In those moments may we never forget this brilliant thought from Dr. Steinburg, "First, your success as a parent depends in part on the degree to which your child believes that YOU have his best interest at heart. Remember, telling your child that you are disappointed in them for what they have done (which is fine to do) will work as a punishment only if your child cares about your opinion of them. The meaner and nastier you are, the less your child will come to care what you think. It's common sense." I love that. We must be kind in the way we speak about and to our children. I believe that in D&C 121 where it discusses, "whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy," is referring to the previous verse. If I teach my children these things at an early age, and then act as a hypocrite and show guile in my actions, they will eventually esteem me as their enemy. I cannot expect of them what I am unwilling to live. At times when I have taught my children one thing, and then behaved differently, they call me out and are upset with me.
#3- "When you are talking to your child about his misbehavior, you want him to focus on the message, NOT the way it's being delivered.You may get away with harsh verbal discipline when your child is little, but by the time he has turned eight or nine, you will have cashed in all of your emotional chips. YOU can't afford to do that. You've still got a lot of child rearing ahead of you." (Dr. Steinberg)
In other words...Parents, STOP raising your voice to your children and control your anger.
Dr. Steinberg tells us that the right way to parent is to focus our remarks on our child's behavior rather than on our child. The child is not terrible what they did is terrible. Focus on the specific behavior in question he states and ALWAYS think about what you say before you say it.
"One of the most important things you have going for you as a parent is that your child comes into the world with a natural desire to please you." Dr. Steinburg I LOVE THAT!!!
My key takeaway is how important it is to interact with our children in a manner that we DO NOT mess that up.
This is why D&C 121:45 is such a key component in this group of scriptures. As a parent we have millions of reasons every day to lack confidence in what we are doing and how we are doing it. I love the promise this scripture makes. As we show charity in the way we live and act towards others, our children learn by example to do the same. As we practice faith in the way we talk and live, our children observe. As we watch, look at, and participate in virtuous things, the Holy Ghost can be our constant companion. "THEN" our confidence begins to wax strong as a parent. We slowly come to understand the things God needs us to do as a parent that will bless our children to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion (vs 46). When we show our children, by example, that faith is a dependable entity they can count on during hard times, their testimonies are strengthened (vs 44). Children learn to trust God unceasingly as these progressions take place together in a family (vs 45 footnote c). Together, we come to recognize the Spirit guiding us in the commonplace moments of our lives. Together, we learn what it means to live on the path that will lead us back into the presence of our Heavenly Father again.
#2-Parents are caught in a whirlwind of emotion everyday. Without notice we can become caught of guard by needy children. In these moments we may have a tendency to say things to our children that are unkind. In those moments may we never forget this brilliant thought from Dr. Steinburg, "First, your success as a parent depends in part on the degree to which your child believes that YOU have his best interest at heart. Remember, telling your child that you are disappointed in them for what they have done (which is fine to do) will work as a punishment only if your child cares about your opinion of them. The meaner and nastier you are, the less your child will come to care what you think. It's common sense." I love that. We must be kind in the way we speak about and to our children. I believe that in D&C 121 where it discusses, "whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy," is referring to the previous verse. If I teach my children these things at an early age, and then act as a hypocrite and show guile in my actions, they will eventually esteem me as their enemy. I cannot expect of them what I am unwilling to live. At times when I have taught my children one thing, and then behaved differently, they call me out and are upset with me.
#3- "When you are talking to your child about his misbehavior, you want him to focus on the message, NOT the way it's being delivered.You may get away with harsh verbal discipline when your child is little, but by the time he has turned eight or nine, you will have cashed in all of your emotional chips. YOU can't afford to do that. You've still got a lot of child rearing ahead of you." (Dr. Steinberg)
In other words...Parents, STOP raising your voice to your children and control your anger.
Dr. Steinberg tells us that the right way to parent is to focus our remarks on our child's behavior rather than on our child. The child is not terrible what they did is terrible. Focus on the specific behavior in question he states and ALWAYS think about what you say before you say it.
"One of the most important things you have going for you as a parent is that your child comes into the world with a natural desire to please you." Dr. Steinburg I LOVE THAT!!!
My key takeaway is how important it is to interact with our children in a manner that we DO NOT mess that up.
This is why D&C 121:45 is such a key component in this group of scriptures. As a parent we have millions of reasons every day to lack confidence in what we are doing and how we are doing it. I love the promise this scripture makes. As we show charity in the way we live and act towards others, our children learn by example to do the same. As we practice faith in the way we talk and live, our children observe. As we watch, look at, and participate in virtuous things, the Holy Ghost can be our constant companion. "THEN" our confidence begins to wax strong as a parent. We slowly come to understand the things God needs us to do as a parent that will bless our children to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion (vs 46). When we show our children, by example, that faith is a dependable entity they can count on during hard times, their testimonies are strengthened (vs 44). Children learn to trust God unceasingly as these progressions take place together in a family (vs 45 footnote c). Together, we come to recognize the Spirit guiding us in the commonplace moments of our lives. Together, we learn what it means to live on the path that will lead us back into the presence of our Heavenly Father again.
No comments:
Post a Comment