For the last seven weeks I have been in this parenting class. For my final project I am writing up three separate posts on the readings, assignments and videos I found to be the most beneficial to me as a parent. This post is parenting takeaway #3.
Week three featured some of my favorite people. When I was young, my dad talked often about the lessons Stephen R. Covey had to teach him. I believe my father's love for self-help books and inspirational stories is why I have a passion for them still today.
LINK- Dr. Phil Biggest mistakes parents make
My favorite quotes from these videos...
"Keep believing in the people." Stephen R. Covey
It is so important that our children know that we believe in them. Sister Hinckley's daughter said in a Podcast I listened to the other day that one of the best things her mom did for her was to believe in her. Even when she became an adult her mom found opportunities to let her know she thought she was doing a great job at living life. I love that!
"Love is the most powerful form of discipline there is." Dr. Phil McGraw
I love that thought for MANY reasons. I have never been great at disciple. I am a little soft in that area. This thought tells me that it is okay that I am, as long as my children know that I love them. I believe in the saying that "LOVE is a verb." It is an action that takes time. I can say "I love you" to my children all day, but if I do not show them by my actions, they could be left wondering.
One of the questions in the discussion board for week 3 was...
When we parent our children, we need to be mindful of outcomes. What might the different outcomes be when following the example of the parents in both videos?
I ruminated on this question even after I posted my answer, which was...
"Based on the fact that Steven Covey showed his child that he believed in him, he will have a greater chance of believing in himself. When a child has faith in who they are, they tend to extend that to the people who are around them. When children believe they are capable of great things, they often behave in a manner that indicates this belief."
The outcome for the four year old girl looks pretty amazing. The mother is starting out a little rough and this is causing the girl's world to be full of chaos. However, the fact that the mother is showing she wants what is best for her child shows she is teachable. Her daughter will learn this gift from her mother. It is obvious that the mother is a hard worker, and a little overboard when it comes to setting high expectations. As she lets her teachable side tame some of that, all of her qualities work together and provide a great outcome in the child's life. As the daughter mirrors the teachable side of mom, she will learn to control her temper tantrums. Once the mom listens to Dr. Phil's advice, the fact that mom has had such high expectations could cause her daughter to turn out to be a complete angel.
On my initial post I did not fully answer the question. My teacher kindly mentioned this to me and I did not want to miss points so I went back and answered the question. I do struggle to state what the actual outcome for parents will be based on their parenting style.
My father told us a story when we were growing up about two brothers who were raised by an alcoholic father. When the two boys grow up, one of them becomes a menace to society and acts like his father. The other runs for state senator, and has a beautiful family and successful life. When the two brothers were asked what made them turn out the way they did, their answers were exactly the same--"Look at my father, what do you expect."
The benefit of being a human is that we get to choose to be a victim of our past, or a leader of our future. Having said that I do believe our children learn behaviors from the environment they grow up in.
In week four we discussed the importance of nurturing a child. Part of this nurturing involves learning to control your temper. It is difficult to nurture when you are angry! As I look back over my life, I see the times when I have lost my temper with my children or spouse and the outcome/memory is heartbreaking.
The only times I have witnessed my older boys truly cry is when their parents were yelling, and lost control of their tempers. I am thankful we have forgiveness as part of the parenting plan. It becomes apparent as we watch the Dr. Phil video how critical it is to gain knowledge as a parent. The mother was excusing her behavior due to the fact that her intentions were good. Her plan, not so much. As someone once wisely said, "we cannot do better, until we know better."
As we studied some of the prophets thoughts on anger, the thought I continued to have was, "be mindful of the outcome." That was A KEY takeaway, "Controlling your anger becomes more attainable, when you ARE mindful of the outcome." It is easy to fall into the trap of excusing bad behavior in ourselves. We rationalize that the behavior we are exercising, is a result of the situation we are in. It is easy to feel that someone caused use to act a certain way. The prophets make it very clear that we have the agency to behave in a kind hearted manner, no matter what the situation before us is.
I love this quote from President Hinckley,
"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished his. Now, love them, take care of them." As I read these thoughts from prophets, it built my testimony of how much they love us. I feel that as they guide me, they desire the same things for me as I want for my own children--for them to know whose they are. These prophets make it clear that life and the circumstances we find ourselves in will cause us to feel anger. It is a normal emotion. They also make it VERY clear that we are responsible to use our agency to control that emotion and not act upon it. As President McKay said so perfectly, "Control it! Do not express it!"
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